Stephen Witherden’s Website :: How do I know if I am gay?

This is an open letter to all questioning people out there. It’s a variant on something I wrote to someone who was struggling with his sexuality and I hope it helps you put things in perspective.

I have so much I want to say to you, so many things about my own experiences and the experiences of others, things I have read that helped and that didn’t. There’s so much I want to say I don’t think I will be able to get it all down.

I went through this process this time last year, it’s a confusing and frustrating process. I ended up writing a long document to “prove” I was gay. It ran to over 20 pages. In the end though, that wasn’t enough. Instead, what I ended up doing was developing a few thought experiments to help me through this process. Please try them in the comfort of your own home, I used to do them on the train to work.

All of these experiments have to do with feelings. Try to pretend like they are actually real. As you do so, monitor your own feelings. How do you feel? Try to think of a word for how you feel at the time, words like: relieved, concerned, elated, worried, peaceful etc.

No judgment

One of the most damaging things you can do at this time is conflate (combine) two very different questions: “am I gay?” and “is being gay OK?” These questions have to be answered separately and they can be. You can still label yourself gay, irrespective of whether or not being gay is a good or bad thing. In the same way, people can label themselves “fat” or “right handed” without making judgments on whether being so is good or bad.I believe the second question “is being gay OK?” has been (and will continue to be) answered by science and more rigorous theology, there is a large amount of literature being built up about the second question. The first question only you can answer and it’s the more important one.

So, for this reason, the first thing I would like you to do is to assume a neutral viewpoint on the second question. That is to say, I want you to let go of the question: “is it OK to be gay?” Imagine the opinions of your family, of your friends, of yourself and of society at large bearing down on you like a weight. Not pleasant, huh? Now, imagine that the burden of those opinions starts becoming lighter. Un-tether those thoughts and let them just drift away into the sky. Can you feel the weight of condemnation lifting off you? While you’re free from that judgment, let’s work on some of the other experiments.

The Kiss

Oftentimes people get confused about this. Straight Christians have told me “oh yeah, I felt like having sex with a guy once” or even “yeah, I have had a sexual experience with a guy, but I am straight now, that makes me ex-gay”. Rubbish. Sexual behavior is a very poor way to determine sexual orientation. Why? Well, guys being guys will have sex with just about anything (let’s face it). This experiment is designed to see if you like boys in a romantic way. It won’t tell you if you are gay, but it will at least let you prove to yourself that you really are romantically and erotically attracted to boys.

One of your best male friends who you haven’t seen in a long time invites you to the movies, just you two. Before hand you have a quiet dinner and catch up on each other’s lives. You hit it off well, it’s like you’ve never been apart. He pays for dinner and you adjourn to the movie (which is an enjoyable one). During the movie his hand brushes lightly against yours and he apologizes quietly. It happens again, this time however, he puts his hand completely on top of yours, just resting it lightly on your hand as if he’s forgotten about it. He leans in towards you almost imperceptivity but doesn’t do or say anything else.

The movie ends late and he insists on walking you home. At your doorstep he looks you in the eyes and then instantly looks down on the ground, shuffling his feet. He seems incredibly nervous for some reason. “I..I had a great time tonight” he admits tentatively. You smile back and say the same. He seems to have something on his mind though. You’re just about to ask him what’s wrong before he takes a step forward, wraps an arm around your waist, drawing you close to him. He looks you in the eyes and you see a mixture of fear and giddy euphoric madness dancing in his. He then leans in and plants a kiss tenderly on your lips. His other arm works its way around your shoulders and the kiss turns into an embrace, with that he lets go, apologizes profusely and disappears quickly into the night.

I tried that particular thought experiment on the train and I had to wait a few minutes before I could stand up. Here’s a secret: straight guys would have stopped reading that story as soon as he put his hand on yours and they most certainly would not have liked the kissing part. Straight guys are willing and able to have sex with other guys, but kissing and handholding they cannot stand. If you liked the above little experiment about half as much as I did, that proves you like boys. But, does liking boys make you gay?

You can try the experiment with girls too but it’s not as effective. Why? Because it still contains a guy: you. I find that even when I think of a guy and a girl kissing, the guy can still have an effect on me, even if that guy is ostensibly me.

The gay test

Let’s say you go to your doctor with this “gay problem” and explain to him that you think you might be gay. “Oh no problem” he says dismissively “There’s a lab which does fool proof gay tests”.Now, how do you feel about that? I would feel a little nervous. Think about why for a moment, I will propose an answer later.

You agree to do the test. He takes a few measurements, draws blood and takes a urine sample, he then sends it all away to the lab and promises you an answer within a week.

It’s arrived! The answer to the big question! You hold it in your hands up to the light. The snowy white envelope belies the life-changing answer contained inside. Your hand shakes a little as you open it and you draw the answer as though about to announce the winner of the Academy Awards.

In big bold letters, the card inside reads: “100% certainty: not gay”

Now, how do you feel about that? Happy or sad? Angry or content? Elated or disappointed? Would you go to another doctor for a second opinion? I know I would.

What if the answer had been “100% certainty: gay”. How would you feel then? Are your feelings about each definitive authoritative answer different or the same? Why is that do you think?

This experiment can also be done with a coin toss: heads = gay, tails = straight. Toss the coin a few times, every time, pretending that the way the coin lands actually has a bearing on your sexuality. How do you feel when it lands heads? How do you feel when it lands tails? For me, when it lands heads I stop throwing and say: “well that settles it!” If it lands tails, I am more inclined to think: “best of three?”

Now, I am sure you’re thinking to yourself: how do my feelings about a coin toss have anything to do with it, I am either gay or not, right? Well, actually, your sexuality is all about feelings, we say “I am gay” but I believe what we really mean is: “I want to be gay”.

This experiment occurred to me by accident. During my coming out phase, I would have “gay days” and “non-gay days”.

On the gay days, I labeled myself gay, I allowed myself to crush on one of the guys on the train and I minced ever so slightly on my way to work. On those days I felt free, elated, wonderful, happy. Not only that but I felt irresistibly attractive.

On the non-gay days, I labeled myself “straight but struggling” or equivalent. I moped around all day. I felt depressed and thoroughly unattractive.

You see, being gay is all about desire. Not necessarily desire for other guys, but simply a desire to be gay. The above experiment showed me that a 100% effective gay test makes me very nervous. Why? Because what if it tells me I am straight? If it does, I would be very upset because deep down (really deep down) I desperately want to be gay. Being gay makes me happy. I am gay because I want to be and no other reason.

I remember when I was obsessing over this question I confessed to my ex girlfriend: “I know I want to be gay, but I don’t know if I am”. Her immediate response was: “wanting to be gay and being gay are the same thing.”

Labels and Queer

Finally, one thing which might liberate you a little is to stop thinking of the “straight - bi - gay” continuum. Let’s pretend instead that the world is split up into two groups: queer and straight. The queers are defined by: “those people who are not straight”.It’s much easier to label yourself “queer” when using the above definition. For some people it’s all they need to feel comfortable with themselves.

Lots of love

Stephen