Those of you who know me rather well will know that this last month or so has been tough for me emotionally. As is often the case, it involves a guy: a marvellous guy. We’ve been friends for a few years and by happy circumstance recently found ourselves in each other’s arms. At the time I told him I was only in it for the physical, but I was wrong. Deep down, I guess I always knew I was wrong.
Sometimes life can be terribly unfair. I have dated people: beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sexy people so into me that I have wished long and hard to find some reciprocal spark of interest in myself… but nothing. With this particular person, it was far too easy to fall for him: I fell quickly, shamefully and with all the colour, vigour and drama of a daytime soap opera.
I could explain to you the stolen glances, the furtive text messages, the days of bliss, the nights of wonder, stolen kisses at every moment… I could fill pages… We didn’t get up to a whole lot, but it wasn’t about the sex, not really, it was more about mutual trust and respect.
Trust. That is the one thing I damaged: in a moment of weakness, when we were both very vulnerable, I blurted that I “more than liked” him. He spooked big time. Part of me feels like a right fool for making such a mistake. He had trusted me not to get emotionally attached, and I had promised I wouldn’t.
He & I were never meant to be, I understand that. Still, it doesn’t help the heart which, as the song says, is slow to learn.