The heart is slow to learn

Those of you who know me rather well will know that this last month or so has been tough for me emotionally. As is often the case, it involves a guy: a marvellous guy. We’ve been friends for a few years and by happy circumstance recently found ourselves in each other’s arms. At the time I told him I was only in it for the physical, but I was wrong. Deep down, I guess I always knew I was wrong.

Sometimes life can be terribly unfair. I have dated people: beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sexy people so into me that I have wished long and hard to find some reciprocal spark of interest in myself… but nothing. With this particular person, it was far too easy to fall for him: I fell quickly, shamefully and with all the colour, vigour and drama of a daytime soap opera.

I could explain to you the stolen glances, the furtive text messages, the days of bliss, the nights of wonder, stolen kisses at every moment… I could fill pages… We didn’t get up to a whole lot, but it wasn’t about the sex, not really, it was more about mutual trust and respect.

Trust. That is the one thing I damaged: in a moment of weakness, when we were both very vulnerable, I blurted that I “more than liked” him. He spooked big time. Part of me feels like a right fool for making such a mistake. He had trusted me not to get emotionally attached, and I had promised I wouldn’t.

He & I were never meant to be, I understand that. Still, it doesn’t help the heart which, as the song says, is slow to learn.