It’s been a while since I’ve posted and I’m sorry about that, I guess life truly does get in the way of the Internet sometimes. I have been meaning to write a really nice detailed post about what’s been going on in my life but I have always put it off because the thoughts were never quite ordered in my mind. Since so many people want to know how things are going I have decided to just force it out in a kind of stream of consciousness, I hope it makes some sense.

This morning, I awoke at around 6am to the sound of my phone buzzing pleasantly on the kitchen counter. I have never received an early morning call that bodes well. I staggered to the phone and answered. It was my mother, she’s worried about me. I have been worrying so many people with my silence.

We talk a little about goings on in my life and we get onto the subject of Stephen (the guy who I guess qualifies as my boyfriend). Then, she asks one of those awkward mother questions:
“So, have you.. uh.. gone all the way?”
That blows there theory that parents want to know as much about their children’s sex lives as we want to know about theirs. Then again, my family has always been open about this sort of thing.
“Yes, mom” I confess as gently as I can “we have had sex.”
“Oh.. and was it.. uh.. you know.. satisfying to you?”
“Yes, mom” I smile to myself, “yes, it was.”
I guess mothers don’t really want to think of their sons as engaging in such things.
“But we were very careful, we got tested and everything!” I add hastily.

The fact is, we had been very careful. I insisted that we both get tested for any kind of diseases (especially HIV) just in case we ever decided to get physical. Well, truthfully, I wasn’t really in need of getting tested, Stephen was the one I was worried about (my life has not been quite as eventful as his has) but it’s a little unfair for me to expect him to be tested without me doing the same.

Ironically, the only place I could find that does this kind of testing is the Family Planning office. Not a place I had ever imagined visiting. We walked in and Stephen sat down. I leaned over the counter and addressed the girl behind it: “Hi, I’d like an HIV test please” I said as softly as I could and winced at the words leaving my mouth “for him too” I gestured to Stephen sitting innocently on the chair and tried not to blush too hard. Gosh he looked young. We got our paperwork and filled it out. It gave us the option of being tested for a number of other nasty diseases, so we ticked those boxes too.

A few hours of waiting later, I was in a harshly lit white room, getting my blood pressure taken. I had been anticipating the blood test all day. I really dislike needles. I turned my head as she jabbed me with the needle, the blood flowing effortlessly into the tube. I thought of Stephen: apparently his veins are harder to find than mine (my skin is practically translucent, so the veins are easy to find).

It was over in a flash and I soon held my finger thankfully over the little piece of cotton that protected my wound.

Well, that would be the worst bit over. Now all they had to do was “swab” me for the other tests. I guess that would be more embarrassing than anything else. I shifted uncomfortably. Why is it you always worry about getting an erection at the most inconvenient moments.

After another (much longer) wait, a female nurse entered the room and started putting gloves on. She then kindly asked me to pull down my pants.
“Everything?” I asked uncertainly
“Everything” she responded emphatically

I pulled down my pants and she knelt down to regard me with her clinical gaze.
“Well, this is a new experience for me” I said lightly, she wasn’t listening.

“Ok, I’m going to be putting my hands on your testes” she narrated as she did so. I guess so that there were no surprises.
She massaged my nether regions with her cold latex-covered fingers. Looking for any sign of cancer I believe.

“Have you had any discharges lately?” she asked as she continues to inspect me severely.
“Apart from the usual?” I asked in my head
Out loud I answered: “No, should I have?”

All business, she withdrew a little cotton swab from her supplies and pulled back my foreskin.

“Um, has anyone warned you about the swab before?” she asked, looking up at me with mild concern.
For the first time I felt a little pang of doubt. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.
“Uh, no, should they have?”

“Well.. it’s going to sting quite a bit in 3… 2… 1”

I yelled “Aaaaaaaah!” in a high-pitched voice as she jabbed the cotton swab directly into my urethra (the very small opening where stuff is supposed to go out, not in). She then twiddled it around for a bit and withdrew it with a quick tug.

“Oooh!” I managed weakly. “That sucked”

A week later, the tests were all back and negative for both of us. We both decided that monogamy is definitely worth it due to the distinct lack of swabbing in our future.