Break up

No photos pleaseIt was soon after my birthday in October when I started suspecting that something was awry in my relationship with Sebastian. He declined a road trip with me, he didn’t come over to my place anymore, and when I visited him, he was reluctant, even begrudging with his affection.

After struggling with him for over a month, trying to figure out what I had done, or how things had changed in his mind, I decided to call it off.

Sebastian said he thought he wasn’t able to “give me what I wanted”; that he & I wanted different things out of a relationship. He declared that I wanted to “settle down” and he didn’t. His anxiety over the relationship made him withdraw further and further into his online game “World of Warcraft”. Or perhaps his addiction to the game meant he had little energy to devote to the likes of me.

The way I interpret it: he simply lost interest, either from something I did or just because he didn’t really know what he wanted in the first place. Also, his best friend Scott is obviously besotted with him, and the emotional strain my presence inflicted on Scott was unpleasant for everyone.

So, with a heavy heart, I broke up with Sebastian: the best boyfriend yet. I emailed him on 7th December since that was the only way I could be sure he’d get the message. He didn’t respond, but that was what I expected.

It hurt, it hurt a great deal. I cried. I was angry, injured and desperately unhappy about the whole thing. I still think about him, I still feel for him and yes, part of me still hopes he will walk through the door, grinning his silly grin and put his arms around me once again.

Through the pain, though, I learnt more about my support network of family and friends. I’m pretty transparent with everyone I know: they know as much of the intimate details of my life as they dare to (and some they’d probably rather not know). This means that when something like this happens, they all rush in to support me, like a brood of chickens, clucking warmly around me with their concern. It’s not the same as having a partner, but it sure beats being alone.